Well, I promised [myself when I started this blog] to be honest; to be personal. At this time when so many people are leaving the ship, and so many of my friends are hurting, I am forced - daily - to face this stark reminder of my own aversion to pain. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you can't. But it must risk being said if others are to benefit from it. This bit of writing would go in my MK book:
"I'm scared to love. I'm scared of a break-up or you leaving me or me leaving you. It's a risk that I might get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I don't want to say good-bye (both of these are forms of good-bye). I know how much it hurts. And from my life I've learned the way you can avoid pain is, don't get emotionally attached - that is don't love - in the first place. Problem is, here's the hypothesis I've come up against: you must let yourself love to truly live. But is it worth the risk? Sometimes my mind is trying to convince my heart of what it itself does not believe - that the famous quote "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" is true.
I don't mean to preach, but Jesus had a choice to take the risk or not. What blows my mind is He knew that it would hurt him - ultimately his choice to love killed him. But he still chose to love. Because of that we can love and in so doing have life and have it to the fullest.
I've built a wall around my heart, though now brick by brick I've started throwing them down. But letting myself love-? That would be like bringing a bulldozer in.
But, maybe, it's time... I let love have a chance."
Maybe this was too many hours to think on watch on the gangway at night.... Hmmm. I always get a lot of inspiration on these quiet lonely watches. In any case, I'm hungry and need to go to bed.